It’s been a WHILE since I’ve done a ~personal~ entry on this blog. Those who’ve been following me since the beginning know that before The Wonder of Anime, the podcast, the youtube channel, the cosplay, cons, alllllllll that!! This blog was my place to just sit and reflect. I’m pretty open about stuff on my socials so I don’t really find the need write personal essays anymore because I can usually sum it up on my Twitter or in an IG caption. However, being that it is October and the start of “quarter 4” as many would say, I was feeling some left over feelings on something I posted on my September photo dumb (this is a gross word, I know.) In this post, I mentioned about a lot of my September wins taking place *offline* and I realize that I don’t share a lot of my wins because of my anxiety.
I’ve really taken a step back in the last couple of years in sharing a lot of personal things in general because I’ve been on social media since the age of 16. I’ve done my fair share of posting for validation online and looking for that instant gratification so I no longer seek that. I post pictures and share things knowing full well only 10 people may like it or watch it, and that’s fine by me. If someone discovers a new manga or maybe finds out they’re not alone in feeling xyz, that matters more to me than anything else.
As I moved into owning the title of content creator, I’ve really had to reflect on what it is my social media presence brings to the online space. My socials are both a combination of professional (sharing my content) and person (me being me) because I don’t feel the need to have that separation. The blogs, the videos, the interviews are a part of me. It’s something I LOVE to do, just as much as I love putting on makeup and taking pictures for no reason. If someone is looking to hire me professionally, the are hiring the girl who does bomb interviews and also can’t take a picture without squatting for some weird reason. I call this showing up as my “full self.” I don’t need to hide or separate parts of my life into their own Instagram accounts in order to help others or myself compartmentalize me easier.
All this to say, as a result of showing up as my “full self” also means being very private about my wins. And trust me, not in that “move in SILENCE” “keep the haters guessing” kind of way. (Y’all know the meme “LOOK AT ME MOVING IN SILENCE.”) As outgoing as I appear to be, I definitely still struggle with being shy in different ways. I’m also someone who is riddled with anxiety. A lot of me not sharing my wins is because I am TERRIFIED of jinxing stuff. The other day I shared on my Instagram stories about how I was accepted to Anime NYC as press (more on that in a bit) and instantly felt regret and debated deleting it the entire day. I was worried that the organizers would realize they made a mistake and rescind my press pass.
I struggle a lot with feeling like I’m going to jinx stuff because it’s part of my impostor syndrome. It’s part of the reason I don’t announce ANYTHING until it is set in stone. I don’t tease guest interviews, when I book voice actors for my podcast I legit tell two people until it’s going live. I’m always so anxious of messing it up and having an opportunity “snatched” away from me.
Another reason I struggle with sharing wins is because I’m always worried they aren’t as big of wins are I FEEL like the are. I see other content creators in this space working with Crunchyroll or Funimation and I minimize myself to believe that my getting approved for a press pass isn’t a big deal anymore.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to try and convince me its a big deal. I know it is and I am working on treating it as such. This is the reality of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. This bitch really be trying to play me! I’m consistently working to remind myself that I bust my ass and have been for years. The number of likes, views, listens I get don’t define the love and passion I put into creating content. It’s another reason I’m so huge on community in this space and always try to work with fellow Black and POC content creators. I want to see us all win and if I can help make that happen, I’m excited.
It is my dream to get hired for one of the big anime companies as a host or content creator. I know I have the same caliber of skills as the people they employ now. I don’t know how to explain how fulfilled I feel when I’m making this stuff. I legit feel this warmth in my chest and I know in my soul, this is the space I’m meant to be in, no matter how long it takes. I also know that getting to this step means accepting my wins and giving myself permission to celebrate them.
All this to say, I’m working on celebrating more of my wins, whether they are tangible online or not. Whether I can post a witty caption or not. I am working on accepting the fact that I am deserving of every opportunity that comes my way because I’ve worked hard for it. I am working on not minimizing my wins because I’m comparing them to someone else’s wins.
So what wins am I celebrating? Let me tell you:
- Being accepted as press for one of biggest anime conventions in the US of the strength of myself alone. No team, no big website behind me! Anime NYC! I applied in 2019 and was swiftly denied.
- Being accepted as press to all these huge cons all over! I’ve been able to attend cons in Miami, Orlando, Washington DC, Philly, NYC, and soon Texas.
- Being added to a reviewer’s list for one of my favorite manga publishers!
- Having said manga publisher share my review and the author of the manga retweeted it!
- Having put my podcast on hiatus and having so many people express support and waiting for its return.
- Being taken seriously when I take what I do seriously
I encourage you to take some time to list your wins and whether you share them online or not, be sure to congratulate yourself because “bitch, you doing a good job!“